?

Log in

Wed, Sep. 3rd, 2008, 02:38 am
mikana78: Now what?

Well he's gone from my life, and as it turned out, not only was he wanted by the police for theft and fraud, but he also had 3 other girlfriends whilst living with me! So I was happy he gone, but after finding out the truth, even though I know im better off with him gone, I feel betrayed and used.

The odd thing is I've had numerous offers to date again, and yet Im so afraid of making another mistake, of picking another dud. How do I change the habits of my past? How do I know that I can trust this one? Is it really worth it?

Sun, Jul. 20th, 2008, 10:58 am
niseema: It's not just him - it's me too

What am I going to do? I need to heal so desperately. We both react to each other --- it's not just him. I think I have BPD. I'm reading all about it. He may have Bipolar and NPD, but he won't admit it and he won't seek treatment for it, but I also know I have BPD - a milder case b/c I've been healing for 13 years, but I still have it. It's still in me, and I want to get rid of it. I want to be done with it, but I'm not. The patterns in Me are still there, the patterns I want to remove. I can't trust myself right now - to not get mad at him for having "expectations" of him loving me or giving to me, in a xyz way b/c he often obviously cannot be empathetic or kind in many situations, so my outbursts are often valid, but they are explosive and don't need to be if I was healed. I don't know if my therapist can really help BPD. He said EMDR works great, but I'm really being pulled to find an Psychoanalyst or Cognitive Behavior Therapist, or Dialectical Behavior Therapist. Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't want to harm my baby. I want to heal!!! and in the right way...to the core. If Sach has two sick parents than the best thing I can do is heal me. Maybe his daddy is healing himself, maybe he is not, but I cannot control him. I can only control me. Any suggestions on the treatment??? Please help.

Wed, Jul. 2nd, 2008, 10:17 am
niseema: Abuse Hotlines - I made the call

I finally made a call today to a rape hotline in Philadelphia. I've been thinking about it for a long time now. I'm hoping this will help me. I want to end the cycle; end the abuse of my childhood, end the rapes, end the patterns that were ingrained in me since I was a small child. My father, my mother, my grandmother all abused me, and then the multiple rapes. So this recent rape just brought back the memory of all of them. I hadn't been raped since I was in maybe 10th grade. I was almost raped at 22/ or 23 (don't remember how old I was), but it didn't happen.

[The rape that happened recently; May of 2005. I was grieving and getting over Devin at the time. I had just come home from a Tantra Training in CA, and I was completely wide open, completely vulnerable, completely sensitive, and I just wanted to be loved. I was also healing from my dad not being there my whole life. During the workshop I cried myself to sleep several nights because my dad was never there, and I was grieving that he left me most of my childhood.]

Perhaps because I was always with abusive men, so that counteracted the frequency and energy to the universe to find another abusive man; i.e. a man who would rape me. So for all those years I wasn't raped, I was with narcissistic men who emotionally, psychologically, mentally, psychically, and spiritually abused me. Like Justin, like Jeffrey, like Todd, like Devin, and now, like Elie. I want to end the cycle. I love Elie and he's probably going to stay in my life; unless I move far away, but I cannot heal him. He says he wants to heal, but he never really fully takes individual responsibility for his own healing. He doesn't realize the extent to which he needs it, but I, I do. I know the extent to which I need healing, and the fact that I've drawn him in that he abuses me, tells me that I need serious healing. Maybe he's sweeter than the other guys, or so I thought in the beginning, but that all changed when we had a child. Now I have to look out for the wellbeing of our baby and me; not just me. He doesn't care about my feelings most of the time. These are his words. This I will not accept anymore. I need to heal from being raped, and he cannot be loving and supportive in my process; not in the least. He says he tries, but everything I do or say makes him pull back or get defensive. This is not supportive. I can guarantee it that his mom is also narcissistic, so I need to heal so I can get out of this area. He and her are my two main babysitters. That is not good that Sach is being taken care of by three wounded people. I need to heal, and find others who are healed or don't need to heal, and to create a safe environment for him to be around. I would love to just tell him, "Hunny, you are narcissistic. My therapist and other therapists told me. You don't have Bipolar Personality Disorder. You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this is what you need to heal from." But I don't know if he'll listen to me, or care, and he may never really get the help me needs. I need to heal me. I found out that men who grow up becoming Narcissistic, had the same type of upbringing as women who grow up and become Borderline. It's kind of interesting. I wish he would heal, but I don't want to risk the abusive, fiercely rageful and scary arguments in front of our baby; for a long....long time!

At least I can say that I'm healing, I'm seeking, I'm trying, and finding the help.
This is the Philadelphia Rape Hotline: 215-985-3333, Women Organized Against Rape. http://www.woar.org/

This is the Domestic Abuse Hotline in Philadelphia: 1-866-SAFE-014, http://www.womenagainstabuse.org/index.html

Tue, Jul. 1st, 2008, 03:45 pm
niseema: New Subject - The Narcissist in love - both need healing - both are Healers

So, I am wondering about this subject of narcissism. It's a new topic of interest to me and new to discover that my boyfriend carries this Personality Disorder. He has been healing himself for about 5 or 6 years, however, I never knew what from. (I've been healing for 13 years). He has said that he used used to have anger so much more than now, but I couldn't fathom it being any worse than it is. Nor would I want to be with him if his anger showed any more, but now, I don't want to be with him for what it is now.

We have a child together. I chose to get pregnant. A part of me wanted to have the baby alone, and knew that we would not be together. This was almost 2 years ago. We've been together ever since; except for the time that he chose to leave me during my pregnancy because he couldn't handle the reality that he was going to be a father, and so he left me alone, to grieve him and accept that it was over; only to beg me to come back just when it was about time to deliver. And so I let him back in, but I didn't realize the extent to which he would have had on me. We basically went into an arranged marriage but it was us who did the arranging. We dove in, fell in love, spent most of our time together, and then the drama grew, and once our darling angel was born, the drama grew worse.

He snores and talks in his sleep, and never got up in the middle of the night to help me, to balance out the agony of getting up every hour, but he would yell that I was pushing him and he needed a few minutes to wake up before getting up and out of bed. If I waited it would have been 10 minutes before he came to our son, so I didn't wait. I got up, every single time he cried, and he just laid there, never thinking once about my needs, and never apologized or gave me more love the next day to make up for me having to get up all night long. It was, of course, all about him. We would argue, most nights he stayed here, because I woke "him" up. Poor guy! poor baby maybe I should say, while I was getting up half the night, was sleep deprived, and had insomnia because not only was our baby waking me up, but he was too with his snoring and talking in his sleep. So, this rage happened in the middle of the night pretty often. Until I told him to move out when our baby was 4 months. Then he still stayed in the picture, was the father and we split our time with our child. This improved things, but then he still wanted to stay here. For the nights that he did stay here he demanded to sleep in the bed with me; when he was waking me up all night long. I started really resenting him for not thinking about my needs, my health, and my sanity. So after about 6 months, I told him he couldn't stay here at all anymore. Then he got desperate. He wanted to stay here. I told him the only way he could stay here is if he slept in my massage room, so he agreed after some time of resisting. He has stayed in there for the past 4 months. Things were much better for a while, but then he started nagging me to sleep in the bed with me; not realizing it was about my health; not about him. I loved him and we cuddled before we went to sleep and in the morning, but he would feel abandoned if he slept in the massage room. Although this is how I set it up. He would sleep in there and then I would slip away the first time he snored and woke me up. But if I had to ask him to sleep in there, he would be angry and grunt, and almost leave in anger because I asked him to do something (that he obviously didn't want to do). Most of the time he would leave, and after I put our baby to sleep I would go out side and he would still be there. And I would ask him to come back in and to calm down. He would often come back in on his own and say how he needed to leave so he didn't get angry in front of me or our child, but the anger was always visible. And something always brought it out. He felt something deep inside about how I didn't want him to sleep in the bed with me, and he obviously never really got it. He knew I loved him, but he never wanted to sleep alone. And if he stayed in my apartment, he would always try to get our baby to sleep with him, so he didn't feel so left out, and several times I let him do that. But this was my child too and we had a system. He was used to sleeping by my side, especially when I nursed every night.

The other night was the worst. I was healing from deep feelings of being raped and I asked him to hold me and to give me love. He went to lay down on my bed, and of course, was exhausted and practically passed out as soon as he layed down. I was putting our baby to sleep, but he layed on the other side of him. I asked him if he wanted me to get the bed ready, and as soon as I said that he said, "don't go into your thing. If you go into your thing I'm leaving." I said, "but hunny, I need to have my rest. This is what we've been doing, and it's worked." He said, "I'd like to sleep in here tonight. I'd like it if you could compromise with me once in a while. You need to let go of your control in this situation." I just looked at him dumbfounded. He got up to leave. Our baby hadn't fallen asleep completely so I couldn't leave yet to follow him and talk to him. But as soon as our baby fell asleep I went outside. He was standing there with a cigarette, and on his cell phone. He said to his friend, "I have to go....Later dude."

We stood there talking, and he said, "I'm not coming back inside. You need to let go of your control in this. I'm standing up for myself and being strong and I'm going to leave."
I said, "I need you tonight. It's really important to me that you stay with me."
He said, "I've leaving. I'm not changing my mind."
I said, "fine", and started walking away, and then I said, "you're just being stubborn."
He said, "oh so you're calling me names now. I don't call you names."
I said, "I'm not calling you names. I'm just saying the truth. Can't you admit that you're being stubborn?"
He threw his bags in his car. The conversation was useless. I just turned and looked at him, and my clarity was growing deeper and deeper inside. I walked away.

I went inside and I couldn't relax. It was 12:30am at this point and I wanted to go to sleep. I took a sleep relaxant, a calmer homeopathic medicine. I tried calling his friend; the friend he was talking to. He didn't answer his phone. I started thinking about everything; and thinking about how I could leave him. I needed him more than ever, and he could have cared less about what I was going through. His needs of being strong were more important than my sadness and hurt about being sexually violated. I had made my decision.

The next day I started planning to break the connection. I found everything in my apartment that reminded me of him; pictures, his pillows, his sheets, shoes, anything that he left hanging around, and I put it all in a bag and put it outside my apartment door.

Here is part of a writing I wrote from this night: see my livejournal page. http://niseema.livejournal.com/19758.html.

I just discovered the personality disorders of my mom, my grandmother, my boyfriend and me. I am the only one who can be in charge of my own healing. I don’t know if my boyfriend will truly seek healing, or if he will just continue to be all talk as he has been, but here is his opportunity. I’ve been told I’m a leach to him and I’m keeping him from healing, so my best gift to him is to walk away. This will give us both a chance to heal our past. And, if we match later, then we will come back, but more than likely, it won’t happen.

Now, I need support to deal with my decision. I need more connections, more friends, more loving talks. He does not understand. He may never. He agrees he also had an abusive childhood, but I DO NOT want to repeat it with my own baby; even if I have to suffer and be alone to heal until I'm with someone better. I do not want him witnessing this drama, this struggle, this abuse. It ends NOW!

Sat, Apr. 14th, 2007, 07:21 pm
bellucci1987: The Narcissist: a man to avoid completely

Abusive partners are always narcissists and these people need to be avoided, they are also the hardest people to break all ties with because they have ground you down for so long, they know what to say to make you feel good and stay. How many times have you actually been glad to have been hit, cheated on or shouted at?...just for the cuddle and 'i love you' afterwards?......this is the control they have over you. iT SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED. Its easy for me to say now because i am out of the relationship and have moved on. It wasn't easy and takes time but i am so much happier now.

Checklist for a narcissist: 

1. Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.)

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions)

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply)

5. Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment.

6. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends

7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and needs of others

8. Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her

9. Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted 

The only way to get rid of them is to have no contact because their smarmy charming ways will always win you over whilst you are in love with them. There is only one word for these people: arseholes. Good luck ladies, any advice you may need just contact me...remember: you dont deserve the way you are being treated, these men are cowards who wouldnt dare pick on a man his own size, he has to pick on a woman to make himself feel manly.

Fri, Apr. 13th, 2007, 01:12 pm
snuck: How do you...

Deal with teh abusive ex who runs around friending all your friends... acting all nice and schmarmy... and then lj sits on their posts and stuff so you don't feel you can read chunks of your friends lists anymore.

The friends don't want to get involved in teh issue, know the score... I guess I feel like they aren't being good friends - I never want them to take sides, but I don't want them to chat with him etc as new friends either. Several have realised after the fact that he is my ex and bailed from him pronto, but a couple who are long term acquaintenances are telling me it is their choice.

Some i've known for years. 

I guess I just defriend them? he really is abusive, and manipulative, and probably in their ears.

I've never been one to get into he said/she said, or much tattle telling. Esp with this one! But this is getting annoying.

Alternatives?

Sat, Apr. 7th, 2007, 10:36 am
rdlght: Dear Group,

Please excuse the misspelling of little katelynn's link
Here is the correct spelling.  I am sorry for any inconvience. Thank you.

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

This is suppose to every little girls life.

What happens when life is not like that?

What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?

For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.

What happens when the police will not stop this?

Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.

The next thing to do is go to the court.

What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?

The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.

In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.

If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?

Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?

Now, what will you do?!

This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn


referral sources:

www.courageouskids.net

Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilence.html

Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertainment/20051019/CLW50819102005-1.html
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/bts.html

Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/ 



Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/online/5918.html 




Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.

Tell someone!

Demand answers!

Demand the children's truth!

Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!

No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!

****Please don't forget us!****

Sun, Apr. 1st, 2007, 08:46 am
snuck: i could do with some help

i'm really struggling.

i've been in an emotionally extremely abusive relationship for the last 6mths. it sounds melodramatic, but i was/am in love with the guy. Frustration is that i'm also usually a very together woman.

his behaviour fits classic emotional abuser - he's slowly ramping up to probably violent physical abuse. He has also abused his previous girlfriends.

I'm so hurt and so wounded. I've broken it off, I've had nothing but trolls and attmepts to engage me again, the cycle of nice nice - horrid horrid is still going.

I've somehow wound up in a situation where whenever it is really bad/horrid I try to make the peace, try to get it all ok again. In this space right now. And I don't get why I am doing it - I don't understand why I have such an overwhelming desire to make it all ok. I have no desire to pick up with him again, he's poison.

Ideas/thoughts?

Sat, Jan. 27th, 2007, 08:48 am
rdlght: Trigger

Sugar and spice and everything nice.

This is suppose to every little girls life.

What happens when life is not like that?

What if your life is filled with constant abuse by the people who suppose to protect you?

For little Katelynn of Indiana, her life is filled with this from a father, stepmother and father's family; everyone but her the relatives that love her have been deined the ability to see her.

What happens when the police will not stop this?

Than try Child Protection Service, but they will not stop this either.

The next thing to do is go to the court.

What would you do if the Child Protection Services and the court helped the abusers hurt her?

The media might work but they ignore majority of average people.

In this search for help, several politicians ignored or said stop bothering them.

If these people will not help little katelynn than who will?

Will this little girl have to pay the ultimate price for these adults mistakes?

Now, what will you do?!

This is Indiana's Shame and these are Teardrops for Katelynn


referral sources:

www.courageouskids.net

Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation :: Breaking the Silence: Children's Stories Aired on PBS http://www.mkacf.org/BreakTheSilence.html

Breaking the Silence
http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertainment/20051019/CLW50819102005-1.html
http://www.tatgelasseur.com/pages/bts.html

Battered Women, Abused Children, and Child Custody: A NATIONAL CRISIS
http://www.batteredmotherscustodyconference.org/

Petition for Justice for Katelynn:
http://www.gopetition.com/../5918.html

Don't let these little abused children be abused in silence anymore, please.

Tell someone!

Demand answers!

Demand the children's truth!

Above all break through this silence for theses abused childrens sake!

No adults rights is greater than the right of the child to be safe!

****Please don't forget us!**********

Sat, Jun. 17th, 2006, 07:00 pm
racerde: question???

Hi,
Has anyone here gone back to an abusive relationship? how did you handle things? ie did you go to counselling together etc? Did things work out??? I really don't know what to do, I think that after 6months I should have gotten over him but I haven't......any advice?

skipped back 10