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Fri, Apr. 16th, 2010, 01:50 pm

Hi everyone. I'm new here, and I'm just hoping to get a huge load off of my chest, and maybe make some connections with people who understand my situation...

I had just turned sixteen when I met my exboyfriend (Bruce), I'm now twenty-one... needless to say, it's been a longggg road.

Bruce and I started dating on December 11, 2004. Everything was perfect ... for a month. His friend, Brian, who I hadn't even met yet, told him that I was still sleeping with my exboyfriend (Billy), which started our first fight. Brian has been the source of 75% of our fights since then. Aside from that fight, for the first two years everything was actually perfect. We kissed at every red light, held hands, cuddled any&everywhere, etc and said " I love you " for the first time on May 17, 2005.

But things started to change after my senior prom... He told me that he didn't want to go with me (we went to different high schools and met through a mutual friend) and that he wanted me to go with my friends and have a good time. So I asked him if he would mind me bringing a guy friend as a date, he said he WANTED me to bring a friend. So I did. I went to prom with my friend, Tom. Little did I know, but I found out a few months later, Tom fell in love with me. He had never even introduced a girl to his parents before, and when they met me before prom it was a huge deal. I didn't think anything of it because my parents are really involved with my friends and social life, my house was always the place we would hang out. During the last two weeks of that summer (2006), Tom told me that he wanted to wait a semester to go to college so he could transfer somewhere closer to me. I hadn't caught on that Tom had feelings for me until he said this, and then he started drinking heavily, showing up at my work, demanding that I kiss him, etc. which obviously caused issues in my relationship. This is when I told him that we couldn't be friends anymore.

In the mean time, Bruce and I had been living together at his house since I graduated high school, and we decided that we were going to make it work even though I was going away to college (keep in mind that "away" was really 35 minutes away). Because of the problems with Tom, Bruce and I were on again and off again towards the end of the summer, but we still decided to stick it out. Bruce kept telling me that he was afraid I would find someone richer and smarter than him when I went away to school --- This is when the jealousy and insecurity began. We were on again off again, fighting and making up, kicking me out of the house and moving me back in constantly. At first the fights came every four/five months, but now they're happening at least once a month. For our 4th anniversary (in 2008) he got me a puppy.

About a year and a half ago (January of 2009) his friends started telling me that I was too good for him and should leave him. I didn't tell him about it because I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't plan on leaving anyway. I realize now that I should've told him before the shit hit the fan ... but I didn't. In March, I went on spring break with his best friend Brian (the one that started all the fights), his other best friend (Chris), and Chris's girlfriend (Bethany). We stayed at Chris's brother's house for the first two nights. Then we went to a different part of the state and stayed with some of Chris, Brian & Bruce's friends that had just moved to the area (Meghan, Joey, & Derek). A couple of other people were staying with them as well (Chris #2, who happens to be the cousin of one of Bruce's other best friends, Quinn, and Amanda). I know there's a lot of names ... sorry! So, while on spring break, Brian and Chris #1 started telling me that I should leave Bruce again! Then the first night that stayed with Meghan, Joey & Derek, Chris #1 took pictures up my dress while I wasn't paying attention! I didn't see them until the next morning, and at that point the damage was done... I probably should've told Bruce at this point too ... but I was stuck across the country and depending on these people for shelter and transportation. Then Derek started trying to sleep with me, and I overheard Brian & Chris #1 telling him that he should! That night, Derek got me alone and pinned me down on the beach. He gave me a hickey before I was able to get away from him (I'm 110 lbs and he's minimum 350 lbs, so when he pinned me down I really couldn't get away). Brian called Bruce and told him that I slept with Derek within 12 hours of my plane landing. This obviously caused issues between us, but we tried to work it out. Every fight we've ever had since March of 2009 has involved Derek, and when he brings Derek up, he brings Tom up. He promised me that he would leave the past in the past, but he never does. It got to the point that in the end of February 2010, he hacked into my voicemail, heard one from my uncle, didn't know who it was, and broke up with me after accusing me of sleeping with my 40-year-old, gay, mentally disabled UNCLE! He apologized that night and promised it wouldn't happen again, but less than three weeks later, it did. He hacked into my facebook, (he doesn't have a computer/facebook and doesn't know how to work it) saw a piece of a thread with a comment from some kid he doesn't like, and then kicked me out and accused me of sleeping with him. That was March 12th of 2009. This past Monday made one month. I didn't see my puppy until a week ago, and then again today. He wasn't there last week, but today when I got there we ended up arguing and everything came up again.

Honestly, I wish he could grow up, get rid of his insecurity and jealousy and be the man that I need him to be. All I want is for things to work out. No one really gets how hard this is for me. I've been with him longer than most married couples that I know. Six years is more than 1/4 of my entire life. We've grown up together (or I've grown up and he's been there during the process), we've experienced happiness and pain and everything. He's such a huge part of my life and I hate that it has to end this way.

Anyway, sorry for the novel .. hopefully someone out there will be able to relate.

Tue, Apr. 20th, 2010 08:43 am (UTC)

Gosh what a mess. You are right - you have a very long history together, and it sounds like he really has meant something to you along the way as well.

From what I can read of what you've said you have two main issues - correct me if I've got these wrong:

There is an ongoing trust issue where your boyfriend doesn't feel he can trust you.

And you've also got friends of his feeding his insecurity!

Tell me - why are these people his friends? And why are they yours? I'm also very confused why they play these games. It's not very normal to be so destructive to other people's relationships!

With your boyfriend - and the trust issues - (I don't want the answer - this one is just for your mind) is there a good reason for him to not trust you? If it's a yes - and it's well in the past - what has changed that he hasn't noticed/seen yet that could help him be aware things have changed. If it's no - there's no reason for this mistrust - then what does someone you know and love and trust around you think of the matter - your family or a cousin or an un-involved friend?

And if you could wave a magic wand and have this situation resolved some way, what would the end result look like?

These questions you don't have to answer to me - but I find them sometimes good thinking spring boards into starting to unravel what's happening and working out how to resolve it. Good luck!

Sun, Jun. 13th, 2010 01:20 am (UTC)

To Twelve_Eleven: Aside from all of the drama.... I had been married for 17 years to a man who physcially, mentally, emotionally, verbally abused me. I am not suggesting, but telling you because you are very young, GET OUT. These kinds of people do not and cannot change. I waited too long, and prayed and hoped against hope that he would change. He won't and can't. Don't waste your very precious life on someone who really doesn't deserve you. Get all the help you need to get strong and emotionally secure again. I wish you the very best. You have a very promising future ahead of you, without him.