Hi, all. I guess I just have to vent a bit. I'm marveling at how twisted some people's brains can be. My ex was over tonight, getting more stuff out, and we actually had a decent talk. I laid it out there, telling him that there is no way we will ever be back together EVER, so he can quit trying. It's not going to happen.
While we together, and I was in the midst of the abuse, I found that I hated him. I was scared of him, I was annoyed and disgusted by him. And I also began to feel that way about myself. I think that's the straw that broke the camel's back.
Now that I've asserted my personal power, and removed myself from the situation, I find that the value of hanging on to that hate is only destructive for me. I will probably never totally forgive him for doing what he did to me, especially since he tried to justify it to me, at which time I listed everything he had done that is considered abuse, and put the label of "psychological abuse" on it, it seemed that the lightbulb went on for him, even though it was rather dim. Whether he really understood (I don't think he did because his justification was that *I* abused him, and that's why he did it "back". I know that's not true, at all. I've taken to telling him, in a weary voice, "You say whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better, dude," because it doesn't hurt me. I don't let it.)
My mother was abused in a similar manner by my father, only her situation included physical abuse at times, and it lasted for 18 years. I grew up seeing that chaos. My mom is twisted by hate, and she's a very (by her own admission) miserable person...though she has since remarried.
As much as I love my mother, I don't want to live my life being miserable and being twisted by hatred and mistrust of everyone. I'll be guarded, certainly. And she and I have discussed this at length, and she tells me that she's proud of me for being able to do what she couldn't, all those years ago.
I'm amazed by how quickly things can change, once you fundamentally change your life situation. While I was with him, I had a job I hated. After I kicked him out, I lost that job. Today, I got a new job...one I really wanted and that can possibly become a career. :)
I have alot of hope and optimism today...but I know that I'll have difficult days and everything won't look so great.
But, it feels good to know that I am strong enough to care for myself and know what is best for me...I'm just sorry this is what it took for me to learn that lesson. :(
Take care, all, and stay safe.