A Release From Abusive Relationships
No one has posted on this community for 39 weeks, but I came across this and I want to share my story in hopes of relating to someone or helping someone. Now, most people speak of physically abusive partners, but I come from a different side of abuse; the mentally abusive side. I know to some people, this isn't a big deal. However, the whole "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" line that was handed to us as kids.. BULL SHIT.
Growing up, both my parents were abusive; my mother was physically abusive and my father was/is mentally abusive. And obviously, I was never able to escape that because every boyfriend I've ever been with turned out to be mentally abusive. I thank God I didn't end up with anyone physically abusive.
We'll start out with my first mentally abusive boyfriend.. I was 16. He was 20. I met him at a festival through a friend. He was an interesting character to begin with. This guy thought he was a water bender/water fox. I don't even know why I dated him thinking back on it. He turned out to be psychotic. He was only good to me once a month, maybe even less. He cheated on me almost everyday. He would make mistakes in his life and somehow turn it all on me like it was my fault and tell me what a piece of shit I was. He took every flaw he had and casted them upon me to make himself feel perfect. Make sense? No. Well, that's okay.
Finally, I broke up with that guy and moved on. But way to go girlie, you found yourself another loser. I was 17 and he was 16. This guy was my best friend until he started dating a girl who would not let him talk to me; they lasted the longest 7 months of my life. I was there the day he broke up with her. We began talking again, then stopped. Then I heard he was getting into pot and smoking it everyday. Then I started talking to him again, he claimed he was only smoking once a week. That was a lie. I liked him since I met, sounds stupid but it was true. And he eventually told me his feelings for me. It was all a lie and he was using me. I have my licence and a car, he only has his permit. He used me for rides everywhere, he used me for weed, and alcohol. I used to have parties at my house every Saturday night (my mom would buy the alcohol) and since this guy was poor, I helped him buy the weed. I put in $40 for it and he put in $10, he smoked all of it. I got his share of the weed and he got mine. After he told me he liked me he said he wouldn't date me because he was afraid it would end badly and he didn't wanna get hurt and didn't want me to get hurt. He slept over my house and things started to happen but I made him stop because I wasn't comfortable with it; I have trust issues for obvious reasons. Then he started getting distant. I confronted him about that and told him he was acting like my ex and he told me he'd never hurt me and that he's not walking away. I also didn't want to smoke every day and I wouldn't let him smoke around me so that obviously turned him off. I hated how much he smoked. He would always stand me up to go get baked with his friends. It was always weed before me. And you know what? He treated me like shit, I can't even tell you how many times he would put me down. He never treated me right. Now I know the reason he wouldn't date me is because I have a concious. And I have a brain. And I know right from wrong. And I know being stoned all day every day isn't the way to live. He wanted to date another stoner so he never had to face his harsh reality.
My close friend took a turn for the worst with drugs and self inflicting pain; so I told her mother about it and we tried to figure out a way how to fix it. This boy completely freaked out and was making plans to kill me and told me I destroyed her life and all these other things. I never cried so hard in my life. I never knew he could be that aweful to me. After that he stopped talking to me and started talking to this pothead girl and began dating her without the bull shit he gave me. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me; nothing was wrong with me, it's him. And you know what? I'm glad it ended, I'm glad it's over, I'm glad he didn't drag me down with him. He now smokes pot all day every day. I'm so glad I'm not like him. I'm glad to be sober. As Beyonce would say, thank God I found the good in good-bye!
I hope this helps some teenage girls out there with guy problems. Some people may not see my story as a big deal, but you walk in your own shoes. I thank God I learned from these experiences. No one deserves treatment like this.
Hi, I'm twenty three, and I have two kids. I've been with my Husband on and off for four years now.
In the beginning there were signs that he could possibly be abusive ( the occasional flash of anger when he lost control of the situation, which resulted in him shoving me, or 'restraining' my wrists, which would sometimes cause me to bruise, or swell).
I think I forgave him so many times because I loved him very intensely. But more that I think about it now, I think its because I was afraid of what would happen to my daughter and myself.
As time passed, he stopped being so controlling, and started being neglectful. He pretty much ignored our marriage, and our daughter to do online gaming. Then online gaming turned into wanting to live recklessly, and buying a motorcycle.
He claimed he did it because he needed to feel alive. Whether or not thats true, I don't really know, and don't really care.
Needless to say, the marriage was going south by the time we found out I was pregnant with my son. After I refused to get a abortion, it got bad again, and he shoved me around some...Deserted us without a car or cash for days on end, and cheated on me multiple times with women he met over the internet. So I left with my daughter and moved out of state to live my family.
Near the end of my pregnancy, he decided he wanted to be involved with my daughter, and our son, and promised marriage counselling to help fix the damage. Things were good for a while, and he was the guy I met out of Country and fell in love with.
For a while we had the 'long distance marriage' thing going on, with him emailing and corresponding over the phone daily. He claimed he couldn't move to be with us right away because he was finishing up college classes and such.
Turns out -and I find this out after he moves to live with us- he's cheating again, and had a full time relationship going on out of state.
Again, he makes the promises to change, and again, I stupidly agree to let him try.
Things are good for a while, my son is now 15 months old.
Last week, things got to a boiling point again, over something silly. I turn off the computer, and he blows up. He shoves me against a wall, and twists my wrist. I ended up with a sprained finger and bruising.
To be fair, I did throw something at him afterwards.
I packed my stuff up, and took the kids to my Moms again.
Yesterday, my daughter had a accident, and ended up biting all the way through her mouth when she fell. He took her to the ER with me, and things were pretty good while we were in public.
We had been talking about working things out of the past week... But when were were in the car, I was texting my Mom over our shared cell phone, and he went crazy. I read a few of the texts in the in box and found out that he had been lying about trying to get plans to attend a class in Utah through the military, and had known for days that his orders had been cancelled, and was just being negligent and doing whatever he was doing.
He literally twisted my wrist to get the phone from me. But the problem is that he wrapped his hand around my hand,so it was trapped. I had to bite his arm to get him to let go of me.
Today, I have been on the phone with a legal aid, and I am filing for divorce and custody of our children.
Its really hard leaving, because its a really scary and stressful situation... But I know he wont get better, because he honestly doesn't think that what he did was wrong.
I'm hoping that I wont have to file a restraining order, and that his 'threats' of 'You'll never get rid of me" and "You'll never get remarried, I'll cut your head off" are just jokes.
But, I honestly don't know anymore.
I'm just hoping things will get better.
Hi everyone. I'm new here, and I'm just hoping to get a huge load off of my chest, and maybe make some connections with people who understand my situation...
I had just turned sixteen when I met my exboyfriend (Bruce), I'm now twenty-one... needless to say, it's been a longggg road.
Bruce and I started dating on December 11, 2004. Everything was perfect ... for a month. His friend, Brian, who I hadn't even met yet, told him that I was still sleeping with my exboyfriend (Billy), which started our first fight. Brian has been the source of 75% of our fights since then. Aside from that fight, for the first two years everything was actually perfect. We kissed at every red light, held hands, cuddled any&everywhere, etc and said " I love you " for the first time on May 17, 2005.
But things started to change after my senior prom... He told me that he didn't want to go with me (we went to different high schools and met through a mutual friend) and that he wanted me to go with my friends and have a good time. So I asked him if he would mind me bringing a guy friend as a date, he said he WANTED me to bring a friend. So I did. I went to prom with my friend, Tom. Little did I know, but I found out a few months later, Tom fell in love with me. He had never even introduced a girl to his parents before, and when they met me before prom it was a huge deal. I didn't think anything of it because my parents are really involved with my friends and social life, my house was always the place we would hang out. During the last two weeks of that summer (2006), Tom told me that he wanted to wait a semester to go to college so he could transfer somewhere closer to me. I hadn't caught on that Tom had feelings for me until he said this, and then he started drinking heavily, showing up at my work, demanding that I kiss him, etc. which obviously caused issues in my relationship. This is when I told him that we couldn't be friends anymore.
In the mean time, Bruce and I had been living together at his house since I graduated high school, and we decided that we were going to make it work even though I was going away to college (keep in mind that "away" was really 35 minutes away). Because of the problems with Tom, Bruce and I were on again and off again towards the end of the summer, but we still decided to stick it out. Bruce kept telling me that he was afraid I would find someone richer and smarter than him when I went away to school --- This is when the jealousy and insecurity began. We were on again off again, fighting and making up, kicking me out of the house and moving me back in constantly. At first the fights came every four/five months, but now they're happening at least once a month. For our 4th anniversary (in 2008) he got me a puppy.
About a year and a half ago (January of 2009) his friends started telling me that I was too good for him and should leave him. I didn't tell him about it because I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't plan on leaving anyway. I realize now that I should've told him before the shit hit the fan ... but I didn't. In March, I went on spring break with his best friend Brian (the one that started all the fights), his other best friend (Chris), and Chris's girlfriend (Bethany). We stayed at Chris's brother's house for the first two nights. Then we went to a different part of the state and stayed with some of Chris, Brian & Bruce's friends that had just moved to the area (Meghan, Joey, & Derek). A couple of other people were staying with them as well (Chris #2
, who happens to be the cousin of one of Bruce's other best friends, Quinn, and Amanda). I know there's a lot of names ... sorry! So, while on spring break, Brian and Chris #1
started telling me that I should leave Bruce again! Then the first night that stayed with Meghan, Joey & Derek, Chris #1
took pictures up my dress while I wasn't paying attention! I didn't see them until the next morning, and at that point the damage was done... I probably should've told Bruce at this point too ... but I was stuck across the country and depending on these people for shelter and transportation. Then Derek started trying to sleep with me, and I overheard Brian & Chris #1
telling him that he should! That night, Derek got me alone and pinned me down on the beach. He gave me a hickey before I was able to get away from him (I'm 110 lbs and he's minimum 350 lbs, so when he pinned me down I really couldn't get away). Brian called Bruce and told him that I slept with Derek within 12 hours of my plane landing. This obviously caused issues between us, but we tried to work it out. Every fight we've ever had since March of 2009 has involved Derek, and when he brings Derek up, he brings Tom up. He promised me that he would leave the past in the past, but he never does. It got to the point that in the end of February 2010, he hacked into my voicemail, heard one from my uncle, didn't know who it was, and broke up with me after accusing me of sleeping with my 40-year-old, gay, mentally disabled UNCLE! He apologized that night and promised it wouldn't happen again, but less than three weeks later, it did. He hacked into my facebook, (he doesn't have a computer/facebook and doesn't know how to work it) saw a piece of a thread with a comment from some kid he doesn't like, and then kicked me out and accused me of sleeping with him. That was March 12th of 2009. This past Monday made one month. I didn't see my puppy until a week ago, and then again today. He wasn't there last week, but today when I got there we ended up arguing and everything came up again.
Honestly, I wish he could grow up, get rid of his insecurity and jealousy and be the man that I need him to be. All I want is for things to work out. No one really gets how hard this is for me. I've been with him longer than most married couples that I know. Six years is more than 1/4 of my entire life. We've grown up together (or I've grown up and he's been there during the process), we've experienced happiness and pain and everything. He's such a huge part of my life and I hate that it has to end this way.
Anyway, sorry for the novel .. hopefully someone out there will be able to relate.
So if your boyfriend told you in the past that he loved you just as much as his ex wife, talks to other people in front of you about how good she is in bed, when she calls and tells him to break up with you he does, he looks at her pictures and comments on how beautiful she is, she threatens to kill you and he tells you to write her an apology letter, and says he will always love her would you think he still had feelings for her? Oh and the first time I confronted him on this he called her and told her I thought they still had feeling for each other.
This following page was found at : http://www.obsessive-ex.com/oex/index.html
Please visit them to learn more :)
Obsessive Ex Syndrome: Some people refuse to "let go" of their ex-partners.
Obsessive Ex Syndrome
There are some people who are unable to mentally "let go" of a partner after a break-up. At first it just seems like a difficult breakup. They keep calling, keep visiting, keep arguing and trying to reconcile.
Then they're following, stalking or threatening their ex-partner.
Then vandalizing belongings, or escalating to personal violence, or killing the partner's pets.
Left unaddressed, in extreme cases the syndrome may progress to the point that the ex kidnaps or kills their children, resorts to murder, or commits suicide.
It is important to recognize this syndrome in its early stages and take preventive steps. The longer the obsession persists without interruption or intervention, the more the obsessor will lose contact with reality.
The general media has not yet acknowledged this syndrome. Obsessive Ex Syndrome is rampant. It is difficult to estimate the magnitude of this problem because media reports break it up into little pieces, describing individual incidents only when they reach an extreme end, instead of acknowledging the overall picture.
Many reported cases of "husband murders wife" are actually Obsessive Ex Syndrome. Reporters assume that if the two have the same last name, they're married. Often it isn't until the 2nd or 3rd day that follow-up news reports are corrected to show that they were not "husband and wife", but were divorced or separated.
Obsessive Ex Syndrome is not gender-specific. There are many ex-wives and ex-girlfriends who will not leave their ex-partners alone. This site deals primarily with female victims, but we are compiling data on male victims for later expansion.
Obsessive Ex Syndrome must be identified in the early stages, and action be taken against its progression. Doing nothing is not the answer. Some articles claim that taking action is what drives an Obsessive Ex to worsening behavior. Actually, the syndrome may continue and worsen in any individual case, but it is LESS LIKELY to worsen if early action is taken against progression of the behavior.
H.O.P.E. founder witnessed mother being murdered by obsessive ex ... Wife tries to leave marriage, obsessive ex Williams Billick kills children and self ... Obsessive ex Michael Angelo Hill kills 2 women, self ... Obsessive ex Augustin Garcia murders bride on wedding day
An ex-husband, ex-boyfriend or others with Obsessive Ex Syndrome may resist a break-up with irrational behavior such as stalking their ex-partner, personal battery, revenge burglary, threats, resisting divorce, child custody disputes, child abuse, parental kidnapping of their children, animal abuse, killing a pet, (ex-)spousal murder, or murder-suicide. Obsessive Ex Syndrome also may involve an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. This website is about Obsessive Ex Syndrome. ... Ajit Chordia, obsessive ex, shoots wife, self ... "Return all of your ex's belongings (including any gifts to you) in one shipment" ... School teacher strangled by obsessive ex Peter Hutchings ... Woman murdered by obsessive ex Mark Dyche ... We do not include these links to frighten people who are being stalked; our aim is to present data about the very-occasional worst scenarios, so that people will take ALL stages of obsessive ex syndrome more seriously. Don't let anybody tell you to "not worry about it" if someone is stalking you!
Hi, all. I guess I just have to vent a bit. I'm marveling at how twisted some people's brains can be. My ex was over tonight, getting more stuff out, and we actually had a decent talk. I laid it out there, telling him that there is no way we will ever be back together EVER, so he can quit trying. It's not going to happen.
While we together, and I was in the midst of the abuse, I found that I hated him. I was scared of him, I was annoyed and disgusted by him. And I also began to feel that way about myself. I think that's the straw that broke the camel's back.
Now that I've asserted my personal power, and removed myself from the situation, I find that the value of hanging on to that hate is only destructive for me. I will probably never totally forgive him for doing what he did to me, especially since he tried to justify it to me, at which time I listed everything he had done that is considered abuse, and put the label of "psychological abuse" on it, it seemed that the lightbulb went on for him, even though it was rather dim. Whether he really understood (I don't think he did because his justification was that *I* abused him, and that's why he did it "back". I know that's not true, at all. I've taken to telling him, in a weary voice, "You say whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better, dude," because it doesn't hurt me. I don't let it.)
My mother was abused in a similar manner by my father, only her situation included physical abuse at times, and it lasted for 18 years. I grew up seeing that chaos. My mom is twisted by hate, and she's a very (by her own admission) miserable person...though she has since remarried.
As much as I love my mother, I don't want to live my life being miserable and being twisted by hatred and mistrust of everyone. I'll be guarded, certainly. And she and I have discussed this at length, and she tells me that she's proud of me for being able to do what she couldn't, all those years ago.
I'm amazed by how quickly things can change, once you fundamentally change your life situation. While I was with him, I had a job I hated. After I kicked him out, I lost that job. Today, I got a new job...one I really wanted and that can possibly become a career. :)
I have alot of hope and optimism today...but I know that I'll have difficult days and everything won't look so great.
But, it feels good to know that I am strong enough to care for myself and know what is best for me...I'm just sorry this is what it took for me to learn that lesson. :(
Take care, all, and stay safe.
I went to my first DV awareness meeting tonight and I'm starting to feel free, know that I need to leave, and be able to figure out how to get the support I need. I have to be brief because my abuser is in the house, but I just wanted to tell someone.
Everything he does and says feels disgusting to me. I can't wait until the end of January when I can get my kids out of here and TELL HIM WHY. I know if I brought up any of it right now, I'd be endangering everyone, including the dog.
And my situation is uncommon, because he has never been physically abusive, just verbally. But we all walk on eggshells aorund here and my son plays his make-believe games and says things like, "God Dammit!"
It's that nebulous line of abuse that he walks. Nothing he does is straight-forward, but everything he does tows the line of abuse.
I can't wait until I'm safe and out of here. And I, too, checked half the things on one of those "Does your partner do this...?" checklists and was amazed.
I'm Andie. After eight months, I finally left an abusive relationship (we were engaged). (Actually, technically, this is the third time I'd tried to leave.) Well, to be frank, I kicked him out of my apartment last night. He came back tonight to get some of his stuff, and I am having the locks changed TOMORROW, which he doesn't know I am doing. (He wouldn't give back his copy of the key and my dad said that he's probably crafty enough to make a copy of the copy and keep it, but giving me one back, so I would think that was it.) His stuff is mostly still here, and he said that it's going to "take him a while" to get it all. And I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to give himself reasons to stay connected, because he knows I'm not quite mean enough to throw his stuff out by the dumpster, or have a garage sale. (And I could use the money, believe me.)
He's bipolar, not on meds, stressed out and not sleeping. So I am terrified that he will go into mania again, and that's ugly. We just went through five months of it. That's when he gets worse than usual. But, that's a projection into the worst case scenario.
Tonight, when he came here to get his stuff, I knew he was coming, and about when he would arrive. But, he didn't knock. He used his key and walked right in. And said, "I hope if people call for me you're not telling them that I don't live here anymore..." Well, that is precisely what I AM doing, and giving them his cell number. (He's job hunting at the moment.) And, he's keeping a piddly job that he hates, though he's now 20 minutes away....and I have a hunch that it's because the place is right up the street from me. :( He works tomorrow, actually. I'm trying not to stress myself out by worrying about things that may not happen, but I try to plan for contingencies. As it is, I'm sleeping with the door barricaded at night, so he can't just come in. After tomorrow, I won't have to, since his key won't work.
Anyhow...he was never physically violent with me, thank God. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Of this "warning signs" checklist I found, he did 95% of the things.
Anyhow....I guess I am just venting. And looking for ways to stay strong and not let him back in my life. *sigh* I guess I could just use some support right now.
Take care, all.
National Hug Your Caregiver Day Initiative
Caregivers are the backbone that supports our society. They come in many shapes, sizes, and focus in many different areas. Everybody knows caregivers. They can be parents, spouses, family, friends, healthcare providers, massage therapists, chiropractors, nanny's, babysitters, pet sitters, or anybody else who has taken care of another living being.
Caregivers are also some of the most ignored and taken for granted people in our society. These people dedicate part of their lives, if not their whole lives, to caring for others. And yet, they are often touch deprived and feel under/un-appreciated.
Started in 2008, the National Hug Your Caregiver Day Initiative is trying to raise awareness about caregiver appreciation. We are helping people learn to show their appreciation for the caregivers in their lives.
Join our yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/hug_your_caregiver_day/
Use this blog
to share your stories about caregiving, or to share your stories about a caregiver who is special to you.
The website is being created and will be going live by January 2009.
"Smile! You're getting hugged!"
I’m an intern in the UC Berkeley Gender Equity resource center, and I’m helping organize a workshop centered upon the analysis of media portrayals of domestic violence, entitled “Comedy or Crisis: What is so funny about domestic violence?” Our plan is to show clips of domestic violence and have attendees rate and discuss the seriousness of the proceedings in each clip.
Any suggestions are requested and welcomed! I’m also desperately searching for any short clips (preferably humorous, and through youtube, sidereel, etc, although these qualifications aren’t necessary) that depict domestic violence in lgbt relationships or with men as victims (both hetero and homosexual). If anyone has any thoughts or interesting information about these specific types of domestic violence that would also be much appreciated. Thanks!